“You have to forgive yourself.”
I have always had a problem with that saying. I have discussed this with many different therapists over many years. And they keep telling me the same thing.
Until you can forgive yourself, you can’t forgive anyone else.
What a load of crap. At least for me.
And before you jump in on this rest assured that I do understand that until I come to terms with those things I consider failings and mistakes in my life they will always haunt me.
Nice run on sentence, wasn’t it?
I know that not coming to terms will continue to feed my subconscious and allow it to slip out of my brain at night. Sit squarely on my chest and look me in the eye as it says,
“So where do you want to start tonight? Do you want to list all of your screw ups alphabetically? Chronologically? Or how about by impact? That would be fun, now wouldn’t it?”
But looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “I forgive you, Phil”, just isn’t going to happen.
I hate making mistakes. Telling myself that I forgive myself for screwing up sounds like I am telling myself that it is ok to continue to make mistakes.
And it just isn’t.
I can, and do, forgive people who have done shitty things to me. That is easy. People are fallible. People make mistakes.
I just don’t accept it in myself.
But I am working on it.