The things in my head go ’round and ’round

I have way too much time to think on my way to and from work.  I have an hour commute.  I try to listen to music to drown  out the voices in my head, but it doesn’t always work.

Now, let us be clear here.  We all have voices that talk to us in our heads.  Our conscience, our thoughts, our guilt.  We all hear things going on in our heads.  Me, I just have a few more than most.   So I am not that crazy.  Though I am a little left of center.  I will admit to that.

Anyway.  I was thinking of my Father coming home tonight.   My Dad passed in 1996.  November to be exact.  He had been sick since November of 1995, and had lingered until November of ‘96.  I got the phone call telling me to come home, that he was not going to last.  I was living in Columbus, Ohio at the time.  Mom and Dad were living in Dowagiac, Michigan.

Unfortunately, Dad passed before I got home.  I got a phone call while on the highway to slow down, that he had already passed.  I can’t describe what went through my head at that moment.  This man that I had wanted to make proud one time, had gone and I would never have the opportunity ever again.  This man, who I ran away from all of my life because I never felt that I measured up to his standards, was gone and I would never have the chance again to make him think that I was worthwhile.

I was thinking about that tonight driving home.  My kids are strewn about the country.  Two out in Arizona, and one in the Detroit area.  I wonder if they ever questions whether I am proud of them, or if they even care.  I try to tell them, when we talk, how much I love them.  I didn’t get that from my Parents as much as I would have wanted.   Maybe I tell my kids too much now.  Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to them.
But I wonder.   Do they think of their Father as someone they can come to?  For anything?  What do they think of me?  I just don’t know.

The Knob Creek is kicking in.  Work tomorrow.  Gotta scoot.

Namaste.