“You have to forgive yourself.”
Bullshit.
I have always had a problem with that saying. I have discussed this with many different therapists over many years. And they keep telling me the same thing.
Until you can forgive yourself, you can’t forgive anyone else.
What a load of crap. At least for me.
And before you jump in on this rest assured that I do understand that until I come to terms with those things I consider failings and mistakes in my life they will always haunt me.
Nice run on sentence, wasn’t it?
I know that not coming to terms will continue to feed my subconscious and allow it to slip out of my brain at night. Sit squarely on my chest and look me in the eye as it says,
“So where do you want to start tonight? Do you want to list all of your screw ups alphabetically? Chronologically? Or how about by impact? That would be fun, now wouldn’t it?”
But looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “I forgive you, Phil”, just isn’t going to happen.
I hate making mistakes. Telling myself that I forgive myself for screwing up sounds like I am telling myself that it is ok to continue to make mistakes.
And it just isn’t.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
I can, and do, forgive people who have done shitty things to me. That is easy. People are fallible. People make mistakes.
I just don’t accept it in myself.
But I am working on it.
Really.
3 comments
Comment by Jeff on March 13, 2016 at 3:02 pm
Your earlier post challenged your readers to comment on your posts. Be careful of what you ask for because you just might get it.
While you are engaging in self-flagellation, I want to remind you that there is One who knew you before you were born and would know who you would become and are. He suffered unspeakable torment so that His Father would forgive you of all the things you are tormenting yourself. It is only you who is not forgiving himself. Who are you to think yourself more righteous that your Father in heaven?
Today’s scripture reading was from, ironically, Phillipians 3:13b, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Those middle of the night conversations are simply the father of lies’ way of telling you that you are not forgivable; by your baptism, Jesus has shown – especially at this Easter season – that you have been and are forgiven. Remind yourself of that when the enemy comes calling.
Comment by wormdude@gmail.com on March 13, 2016 at 4:08 pm
Jeff….I always look forward to your commentary, and though I appreciate and understand that through grace I am saved I still would be remiss if I didn’t examine my life to make sure that I am living it in the best way that I can.
Comment by Jeff Long on March 13, 2016 at 7:32 pm
While your intent is admirable, you’re dancing on the razor’s edge of work righteousness. Scripture tell us how the evil we don’t want to do we do and the good we want to do we don’t.
No emotion-based feelings (is that redundant?) can be assuaged by logical arguments. What I can say is that Someone loves you in an amazing way and always will. No matter how you behave, that fact still remains the same. Your knowing the gospel’s message tells me that you are still His.
What can be better than that?