The things in my head go 'round and 'round

As much as I have learned about women, you wouldn’t expect me to have had as many marriages as I have. You would expect that I would be in a loving, nurturing relationship with a wonderful woman.

You would be wrong. For some strange reason I have decided to learn everything the hard way. I am learning about women by making mistakes. And while the knowledge is a good thing, it does come with a price.

I have been staying away from this site for just a couple of reasons. The first being that I have a lot of negativity in me right now due to my impending divorce, and I just didn’t want to use this as a forum to vent my spleen.

The second being I wanted to get some distance and perspective over the past 13 years of my life. I wanted to get to a place in my head where I didn’t feel that I have made this huge mistake and wasted all of that time. I think that I have gotten to that place finally. That isn’t to say that I don’t have my moments. I do. But they aren’t as intense, or last as long as they first did.

But lets get on with the story, shall we?

I met my wife 14 years ago on-line. We talked via email for a couple of months before we met in person. I lived in Columbus, Ohio at the time. She lived in Pennsylvania with her 1yr old Daughter. We met on August 2nd. My wife’s birthday, and 2 days after her Daughters first birthday. I fell in love with just the sight of my wife. She was, and still is a beautiful woman.

From the start, our relationship was up and down. My wife had specific expectations, and I am more of a go with the flow kind of guy. I should have seen the signs, but I was head over heels and would do anything to be with her. The years went by and we grew closer, then apart, then back together….or so I thought.

Around 2005 we were in a rocky place and I started having my first thoughts of leaving. Then my Mother-in-Law passed suddenly. I just couldn’t talk myself into piling a divorce on top of that as my wife took the passing of her Mother badly. So I stayed and played being the dutiful husband and Father. Then my Father-in-Law had some health issues, as well as my wife. I just couldn’t see leaving. So I settled in for the long haul. We stopped having sex in 2005 on a regular basis. By 2007 we just quit. There didn’t seem to be a reason for it.

And that was the way our lives went for the next 3 years. Then in 2010 my wife told me that since she didn’t have a sexual interest in my, that maybe I should try to find someone that I could share that part of my life with. Let me tell you how much that little statement surprised the hell out of me. This from a woman who throughout the early parts of marriage would lay into me if I even looked at another woman.

So what did I do? I flirted, and made goo-goo eyes at a few women and promptly struck out. Or maybe I just didn’t try hard enough. We went on vacation that year with some friends and my wife spent the majority of the vacation staying away from me, talking on her phone and on the computer incessantly. I figured out that she was seeing someone, I just didn’t know how long she had been seeing them. That came later.

We got home from vacation and agreed that we needed to divorce. The only problem was that my wife wasn’t going to be able to support herself. See, when our Daughter was young we agreed that she should have someone at home when she got out of school. My wife got a job with the school system that would afford her that opportunity. It worked at the time, as it saved us daycare money. It made sense. Then with our Daughter growing up, there was no need for the wife to be with her all the time. I started talking to the wife about getting a different job. She wanted her summers off. And that is where it broke down.

During the course of our conversations about divorcing, the wife kept trying to convince me to enter into a relationship with her where I would support her and our Daughter and I could seek outside comfort. I told her that that wasn’t the way it was going to go. I took back control of my finances and soon saw how she had basically gutted our accounts.

We separated on Jan. 2, 2011. My wife moved in with her Father, with our Daughter. Soon after that I found that she had had an on going affair with a man throughout our marriage. I also found out that she had found another man in town that she had started a relationship with. Nice. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had my flings in the mean time. I have. I have had sex with a couple of women over the past few months. I had to bring the drought to an end some time, and I did.

So wrapping this up, I am living in our house because the wife cannot afford to. Though she has convinced the new boyfriend to rent an apartment with her. She found her new man to fund her life.

So I have taken close to 875 words to get to this last question: So why do I still hurt? I was married to a woman who lied to me, who cheated on me, who basically squandered my money and I hurt.

I was at a program for my Daughter the other night. My wife was there with some of her family. They were talking and laughing, sharing little stories of interest. I sat by myself wondering how I let this get to this place. I know that she hasn’t said a word to her family about why we really broke up. Rather than telling them the truth, she said that we both made mistakes and that I couldn’t get beyond that. Nice.

So when does this all go away? Cause it is maddening.

L8R

Another unpleasant part of divorce is the children involved. If you and your spouse can keep your shit together and not use the kids as bargaining points, that is. And that tends to be the hardest part. It is hard because kids have activities that they are involved in and you have to go to them. Kids want their parents their, even if they are divorced. It doesn’t matter to your kids.

Last night I had the opportunity to attend a musical that my daughter was in. And even though the musical was entertaining, it sucked to me because I was there by myself. There is nothing like sitting in an auditorium with people who you used to socialize with and have them ignore you. All because of a divorce.

And the range of emotions as I was watching my daughter on stage. I carry a picture of her taken when she was around 5 years old. She was an adorable, outgoing, chubby little angel. And now she is a beautiful young woman on the verge of making her own mistakes in life. I hope she has learned something from me.

I don’t even know if anyone other than me is reading this any longer. Been away for a long time. Sorry. I didn’t mean for it to be this way. Really. It just happened. Got involved in some battles I’d invented in my head. Still fighting them, but they aren’t that important at this time.

So, hi. Glad to be here.

I think……